madness and the sea

you who billows my sails
and you my ballast:

this ship at times huge
my crew need be many

for i wish to travel to the edges of the earth.

too eager to sail i neglect
the contours of my vessel

a ship torn apart in the maelstrom
but salvageable
and strong

tethered in to the dock
i, weary on the shore
pushing pebbles into the sand

i feel the strength of the wind
as it changes i know (or feel)
this worn-out junk will taste
salt water on her flanks

what i lack in skill perhaps
i can make up for in experience.

but i am pushing too far out again.
the material world requires my presence
more than the sea.

...

i have already forgotten
what i have begun to write

& the fatigue of my illness
sets in again

my mind at once too grand and too small.

i need you to reflect the contours
of our reality

you, the sane
who remember

leaving him finding her

leaving him finding her

i've forgotten everything so i can remember him
i forget everything so i can create him in her, her in him.
so i can fuck her like i'm fucking him, like he remembers her, me,
the woman he loves, the woman he remembers.
for this, i leave it all behind.
i go in alone with my own pussywillow.
she is my memory of my future past.
the lie i've lived.
the lie i write now.
she is writing me.
and i've only seen her in film.
an actress. a dream.
someone else's life.
beauty in someone else's dreams.
a dream that we all dream.
that beauty that only she possesses.
we only allow her to posses.
we all dream this dream together.
we pray to her - those of us who dream.
we worship her.
'she is mine,' we say. 'she is mine.